I was sorting through my jewellery today (decluttering: I love it!) and came across a necklace I bought years ago. Have you seen the movie Cruel Intentions? It’s the cross pendant Sarah Michelle Gellar has. One that holds cocaine in the body of the cross, with a convenient scoop for slipping powder up your nose.
I was adamant I needed one of those pendants. I would feel so cool, so chic, snorting powder from a delicate silver piece hanging from my neck. I spent hours online trying to source one. I eventually found them, made in Germany and more expensive than I expected. It was a big investment for me at the time, an unemployed Australian student living in The Netherlands. But I bought it.
And I only used it once. It’s not a practical place to store drugs. I filled the pendant with my stash of cocaine, then spent all night concerned the bottom would drop out while I was jumping around on the dance floor of the club, spilling white powder everywhere; wasting it before I could get wasted on it.
∆ ∆ ∆
I reflected on the necklace today and a few questions came up. Did I ever actually like the movie Cruel Intentions? I don’t think I did. A large part of my youth (a large part of all of our youths) was spent interested in things because others were interested in them. I didn’t have enough knowledge of my true self yet, I didn’t have enough confidence in what I truly liked. I was drifting, carried on the wave of other teenager's enthusiasm. Did any of us actually like the things we were into? Was everything a wave set in motion by the media, by the experienced and powerful marketing machines we were exposed to, via a few influential kids we knew? And we all just floated along on the wave, largely unaware it wasn't something true to who we really were?
Did I actually ever enjoy cocaine? I know the answer to this, and it’s no. Did I consume a lot of it? Yes. The prestige associated with the drug (especially in Australia, where a single gram costs several hundred AUD), the supposed glamour – I was riding the wave of it in my early 20s, just as I was riding waves in my teens. Admittedly, at the time, any drug was better than sobriety in my mind.
∆ ∆ ∆
My late twenties and early thirties have been so kind to me, and I am grateful for the awareness, the self-assuredness, the authenticity and the courage to be me that I’ve found.
I've shifted from having a sense of self-worth based on achievement and doing, my actions inhibited by fear of what others thought, my inner voice constantly repeating narcissistic nonsense I was told about myself in abusive relationships.
I’ve learnt to trust and rely on my inner self, my own guidance and intuition.
I’ve developed a strong connection with Spirit that I never imagined possible.
I’ve manifested a deep, soul mate connection with the love of my life, and enjoy a relationship firmly grounded in true unconditional love, trust and support.
My hope is that you find these things in your own life. And my purpose in this lifetime is to serve you by assisting with this. I spent some time reflecting on the things that had the most profound impact on my transformation, and I've packaged them up in an accessible way for you to learn from and use.
You can learn more about how to end self-sabotage and self-resentment, and develop deep self-love here.