‘Do you mind if I smoke in here?’ a friend with a cigarette in their hand, sitting beside me in the car, would ask. ‘It’s fine’ I’d say, ‘I don’t mind’ – though I was a vehement anti-smoker. I’d feel like I might vomit as the smoke stung my eyes and burnt my lungs, but I’d suffer it in silence, pretending it was okay.
‘Is everything alright with your meal madam?’ Yes, I’d nod and smile, ‘it’s great’. After the waiter left, I’d continue picking around all the meat that was mistakenly served in my vegetarian meal.
‘Can you cover my shift tomorrow?’ Of course, it’s no problem I’d tell my co-worker, pulling out my diary to madly reshuffle my own commitments. Okay, easy – I’d just forgo a lunch break at my first job so I could leave a little early, sprint out the door as soon as I could, change my clothing while I was on the train between workplaces, made sure I was in the carriage that lined up with the station exit so I could run off the train to make it on time to my next shift… Easy.
For so many years, I was afraid to say no. I couldn’t express my feelings or needs. I didn’t know how to speak up for myself.
And I didn’t know that I was worth it.
Perhaps you recognise some ‘people-pleasing’ behaviours in yourself?
1. You’re reluctant to turn down friend’s requests for ‘a favour’
2. You’re worried you might be seen as selfish if you say no
3. You go to great lengths to avoid conflict, preferring ‘not to rock the boat’
4. You keep quiet rather than admitting that someone has hurt your feelings
5. Much of your time revolves around taking care of, helping and accommodating other people
6. You feel uncomfortable is someone is mad at you - even though that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong
7. Your schedule has things in it you think others want you to do… not things that truly make you happy
The need to please others stems from our own fears.
If you had parents who were critical, judgemental, neglectful, unloving… or parents who were emotionally unavailable or physically absent, your inner child feels rejected and abandoned. S/he believes that you must do everything you can to make people happy, or they might leave or stop caring for you.
If your parent’s love for you was conditional (that is, offered or withheld dependant on your behaviour or achievements)… your inner child is desperate to please others in order to win their love.
If you were punished or criticised for mistakes growing up, your inner child is anxious and afraid of disappointing people and letting them down. S/he feels they must make sure they are doing things right by everyone else, and that everybody is pleased with the job they are doing.
If you had to step in and take on excessive responsibility for others as a child, you’ve learnt to be ‘valuable’ by suppressing your own feelings, ignoring your own needs, always being nice and caring for others.
Deep-rooted fears, and a lack of self-love, meant I was a long-term people pleaser. I didn’t value myself. I hadn’t had healthy behaviours and boundaries modelled to me. I had faithfully absorbed messages about how ‘good’ girls and boys always put others first.. even at their own expense.
Energetically, my solar plexus and throat chakras were weak, blocked and depleted. My aura was imbalanced. As our inner world (our energy, our thoughts, our beliefs) is what creates our outer reality… I experienced problems in my relationships, career, health and more.
It wasn’t until I focused on healing myself energetically, emotionally and mentally that I began to break these unhealthy patterns of behaviour, in order to:
- Connect with others authentically, rather than minimising my true self
- Easily ask for what I want (even from the Universe, allowing me to manifest what I desire)
- Create healthy boundaries and attract respect
- Stand up for my values and what I believe in
- Release the draining subconscious resentment that others were ‘taking advantage of me’
- Prevent burnout, depletion and exhaustion
- Reduce my stress levels, depression and anxiety
∆ ∆ ∆
FREE STRATEGY SESSION – limited offer
Exciting announcement: I’ve set aside some time slots in the next few days to speak to you personally, about how you can heal your past, rewire your beliefs, heal the effects of people-pleasing in your energy field, and break the cycle for good…. right away.
In this session, I’ll work with you to create a step by step game plan to heal your inner wounds, fall in love with yourself, and finally clear the impact your past is having on your present life. And it’s free.
I’m offering these sessions because
1. It’s my soul’s purpose to support you to heal the toxic effects of your childhood. I understand the struggle, because I’ve been through it myself; and
2. I know that you might want additional support to uplevel and to heal your past trauma, and if so, we can discuss working together further. If not, that’s totally fine too.
Limited spots available. Book your free Strategy Session here.